They say that airports have the most honest goodbyes, as if there is some degree of decorum to be found in the final farewells witnessed before the departure gate. And maybe there is. But I assure you that none was present when I watched my mother’s face collapse in on itself as whatever composure she had clung to slipped through her fingers. There is nothing worse than a mother’s tears, especially when you yourself are the cause, as I am. Ever since my move to Korea became official, I have been asked the question “why?” as in “why are you leaving us?” as if I wanted to put an entire ocean between myself and those I love, which I assure you I did not. I just needed to go, to reinvent myself away from unwanted mirrors, and see whether or not this idealized version I have myself can become the reality. I just wanted to take a risk.

But at the same time, isn’t this something I have always done?

For highschool, instead of going local, I decided to audition for a special program that, if I got in, would separate me from everyone I had ever known until then. Same with University. I had the option of choosing a school many of my peers would have gone to. But I didn’t. Instead I chose a campus in the middle of nowhere, with no familiar faces. I have often placed myself in various unknowns in an attempt to see whether I would sink or swim, as the saying goes.

So far, I have always managed to swim.

But this isn’t swimming, this is flying.

This is thirteen hours of being amongst the clouds. And I have always been afraid of heights.

So yes, I am scared shitless. And yes, I am sad. For all those who looked on me with incredibility, wondering how I could leave so much of myself behind, know that I am sad. That there are pieces of myself still in Pearson, left waiting before the Arrivals for the day I come back home. And home for me, as I have said, is with the people I love. And I miss them. I miss them so fucking much that I am willing to swear even though I know my mom might read this. I miss them so much that I have already spent my first night crying silently, hoping the people on the plane, in the hostel, would not see the tears tracing all the words I could not say down my cheeks.

Because there is so much I could not say. After all, how do you infuse a goodbye with all the longing you have for that goodbye to become hello once more? How do you translate a hug, into an I love you so powerful that it brings your heart to its knees? How do you erase miles of distance so that distance becomes meaningless, becomes a word devoid of all the miss yous, and come back soons.

I promise to come back soon.

To return with stories of my adventures tucked like postcards in my back pocket. To remember every single name and face, holding them like a mantra on my lips. I promise that this will all be worth it. In the end. I promise that I will make this year the starting point for so much more, because as scared of heights as I am.

I fear falling so much more.