relationships

My New Boo

September 21, 2019 — Leave a comment

It’s funny, only a few weeks ago I had deleted this exact post because I thought that I had been proven wrong, that the person supposedly ghosting me had resurrected back into my life. But he hadn’t. Or at least, that is how the current situation would seem. Given the fact that I haven’t heard from him in two weeks. Which ordinarily, would not be such an unreasonable time to pass, after all there are friends that I haven’t spoken to in twice as long, but in Korean dating culture two weeks is the equivalent of a life time.

And unfortunately, amongst foreigners, ghosting is a fairly common occurrence. Partially because the language barrier makes it difficult to form meaningful relationships, while the cultural differences make it hard to commit. But also because many Korean men do not have the best of intentions when it comes to dating a foreigner. Many just want to have the experience of ‘riding the white horse,’ while others may simply want someone with whom they can practice and improve their English. But either way, the relationship comes with an expiration date.

Which obviously sucks. Mostly because it is an unspoken expiration date that only one side is made aware of, and there is nothing worse than buying fresh baked bread only to have it go stale a couple of days later. It’s different when you know, because when you know you can savour each bite knowing each bite is finite.

I would have liked to savour the moment a little more. To have been given the chance to gracefully say goodbye instead of clutching my phone like a lifeline, wondering if I am right or wrong.

Part of me still hopes that I am wrong.

At least for now, so that maybe we can talk, and I can say everything I should have said before. How I do not mind if you leave. I only ask that you let me know when you go so that I can close the door behind you.

And then open it again for someone new.

It’s Called A Crush For A Reason

September 4, 2019 — 1 Comment

I have never had much luck when it comes to relationships. In kindergarten I married a boy who grew up to be a drag queen. In middle school I dated a boy who tried to schedule a kiss the same way you would a date. And in high school…well, let’s just say I learned some valuable lessons.

But more often than not we forget those lessons. Sometimes purposefully. After all it is easier to remain a romantic at heart than to accept the reality that romance died the day John Hughes stopped making movies.

We want the fairy-tale.

So we resurrect his ghost and project our own versions of John Bender (The Breakfast Club), Lloyd Dobler (Say Anything), and Patrick Verona (10 Things I Hate About You) into our regular joes. And yes I know that those last two were not from Hughes, but they both appeal to the fairy-tale sensibility that we like to pretend we have outgrown. Even though I for one have always worn my heart like a post-it-note stuck to my sleeve.

And you know how easily those things fall.

Which is to say that I love more often than I probably should. Because love, despite the allure, is ultimately a duplicitous, and debilitating emotion. It has the power to bring a man to his knees, to blind believers with rusted halos. See the thing is, that no one ever remembers the bad parts in the movies. We watch Dirty Dancing for Baby and Johnny Castle, forgetting how Robbie abandoned Penny the moment he knocked her up. We see Crazy Rich Asians and cheer for the airplane proposal, dismissing the adultery between Astrid and Michael. We love our Hollywood love stories, but often fail to notice how few actually get to have the happily ever after.

And part of that has to do with the fact that we get so few love stories of our own. So, when we go to watch the latest Netflix Rom-Com we’re doing so for the fairytale. Because for so long as we are in those 90 minutes, we can believe that that kind of love is possible.

Even if it isn’t.

Even if the reality is that our definition of love is two people swiping left. A relationship that surpasses 100 days. Free bread sticks at Olive Garden. Answered texts. Because these days, most relationships are simply prolongated one-night stands.

But I personally want more, and refuse to settle for less.

Which is probably why I have been single for the past five years, but that is besides the point. Because the real purpose behind all of this talk of love, and romance, and failed relationships is that I have recently met someone. Someone important enough to make me wax lyrical about John Hughes and reference Dirty Dancing. Someone special. Someone different. Someone that I could see myself genuinely falling for. If whatever this is lasts long enough. Which I am afraid it won’t.

Because he is Korean.

And because I am me.

But, at the same time, it wouldn’t be a true love story if it were easy. Now would it?

 

Missed Signals and Miscommunications

July 5, 2019 — Leave a comment

As much as I wish it weren’t true, the fact is that there are foreigners in Korea who came, in part, to this country with the overly romanticized notion of finding themselves a Korean boyfriend or girlfriend. Which is problematic to the say the least. But just because there are individuals such as this, doesn’t mean that there are not foreigners interested in developing real and meaningful relationships with native Koreans.

But to do that, one first needs to understand the dating culture here in Korea which can be extremely different from Western culture. Although, with Western expansion, and the proliferation of Western media, many Koreans are adopting more of a Western style.

This can be good or bad.

Because just as the Korean style of dating has flaws, so does the Western. One of which is the tendency to become immediately intimate. Or at the very least, some-what physical. Every date must contain a kiss, and if it doesn’t the date is often considered a failure. After all, if they are interested in you than why wouldn’t they want to kiss you? But that assumption often makes the “ass of you and me” in Korea. Because here it is not uncommon for Korean men to wait until they are officially in a relationship before initiating physical contact.

And believe it or not, that includes hand-holding.

Crazy I know, and utterly confusing. Because without those physical signals, how do you differentiate between ‘just’ and ‘more than’ friends? Especially when the majority of signs you do receive are lost in translation. And not because of the language barrier, but because of cultural differences.

For instance, in all of my barely existent love life, I have never encountered a Canadian as verbally expressive as a Korean. Especially when it comes to the frequency of the communication. I’m talking hours of back and forth texting, late-night phone calls, long-evening walks with no other intention than to get to know you just that little bit more.

And that is just the tip of the iceberg.

People here are just so much more willing to go above and beyond, whereas in Canada we seem to only ever do what is convenient. I’ve had people here travel hours by bus to see me, whereas in Canada a 45 minute train ride was often deemed too far.

But are these grand gestures the Korean equivalent of a roll in the sheets? Or are they simply acts of kindness, committed in order to cement a burgeoning friendship?

If you know the answer…please tell me in the comments below!