According to a random and totally accurate Google search, the average Korean woman is 5’4 and 124.6 lbs, while the average Canadian woman is 5’3 and 138 lbs which is a fairly substantial difference. Although, bone structure and density, as well as cultural norms surrounding weight and beauty may affect these numbers. The fact remains that I, at 5’5 and 150 lbs have some work to do.

So, in preparation for my Korean adventure, I have started a form of exercise known as CrossFit. Now, for those of you who may be unfamiliar with the term, CrossFit is essentially constantly varied functional fitness. It incorporates weight training, gymnastics, and metabolic conditioning, while emphasising community and overall wellness.

Which is to say that I, after six months of training, have developed the skills necessary to successfully dead-lift 135 lbs, back-squat 115 lbs, and run 2.5 kilometres without wanting to keel over and die afterwards. It may not sound like much, but for someone who began this fitness journey with noodle arms and absolutely no cardio endurance, it is pretty impressive.

But more than anything CrossFit has allowed me to shift the focus from what my body looks like, to what it is capable of doing. In other words, I no longer abhor my thunder thighs because I know that beneath that layer of flabby flesh lies the muscle needed to hold a five minute wall-sit, that while I may carry a few extra pounds, I can also lift those pounds in a multitude of ways. I am strong.

Only problem is, Korea does not value strength. It does not appreciate the dips and valleys of a woman. In Korean society beauty is defined by the clarity of your skin, the number on the scale, by delicacy and fragility. They want their women feminine and pretty, and I am so far from being either of those things. But then again, isn’t that what we are taught to want as well? The long luscious hair flowing down a woman’s bare back…how many times has that image been portrayed? How many times have we been made to feel inadequate just because we cannot fit into this model of beauty that is depicted on every television screen and magazine cover?

The answer is: too many to count.

But for the purpose of this post, let’s just say that I know exactly what kind of person I am, and am completely content to be my own definition of beautiful, flawed and imperfect as it is, because ultimately it is not what society thinks of you that matters, but what you think of yourself.

At the same time though, we all want to be called beautiful, to be seen as such by friends, family, strangers, by people we pass on the street whose names we will never know. And so as much as I would like to promote this idea of self-love, and continue to build muscle and strength in both body and mind. Truth is, that I will forever be chasing that number on the scale, that part of my self-worth will always depend on how low it is.

Because unfortunately it does matter.